Change is scary. So is reaching rock bottom and feeling unable to change. So is feeling that your emotions are out of control.
I know that I need to change direction as a poet - as a writer. I am hoping to produce a collection, containing many of the poems written during 2012, August or earlier. It is nearly finished, other than some technical "issues" with the cover. I can honestly say that I don't know if I would be here if it wasn't for my poetry - and for my husband, Colin, of course - and the friends who have been there for me this year, to various extents - but all of whom I value deeply. In terms of the poetry, I hope that I can now begin to move away from the intense, emotional poems which I have been writing, and find new themes and subjects that will inspire myself, and hopefully others, too. Who knows? Maybe one day I will rediscover my enthusiasm for fiction writing, and write another novel. Yet, at present, I cannot even concentrate for long enough to read a novel - still nothing since "The Bell Jar", which affected me deeply.
I don't want to go into "poor me" mode. People out there are seriously ill, and struggling with life, for so many reasons, and in so many ways. But I have certainly struggled with physical and mental illness, increasingly so - and, when it becomes hard to leave the flat at all, life can seem hopeless, and I have thought about - and felt like - ending it all - but, in my heart, I don't really want to. There is so much in this life that is beautiful, and worth living for, and I just know that I need to hold on.
"Keep Holding On" - thanks, Avril (Lavigne). I'll try.
