I don't feel that this is going to be a full-length blog post, but it needs to be a blog post, rather than a Facebook status update, or a Tweet. It's just a question, really:
Is it possible to genuinely care about people without becoming "attached"? I realise that health and social care professionals have boundaries and conflicts, but I'm not talking about professional caring. I just sometimes feel that I need to distance myself from everyone I know or meet, but then there is a conflict because I naturally care about people, and I can't switch off my feelings. And I'm not sure that I want to - but I can't handle being hurt and misunderstood, and I have such overwhelming fears of rejection and abandonment. Ironically, such fears seem to come true all the more, as I start to worry more about them, and gradually become obsessed by them. All I want is to be able to genuinely help and support the people for whom I care. If I am not really doing that, what is the point?
I just wish that Stacey was here. I miss her so much. And I wish that I had talked to her more about what she meant about not letting people "get too close", in case they "got inside her mind".
I have actually written slightly more than I had originally anticipated - so I obviously made the right decision, in opting to make this into a blog post. That said, whether I should be saying this at all - well, that is another issue - but I can't seem to hold back, even though I know that I will later panic about having posted this on my blog...
The odd thing is, even if we consciously try to distance ourselves, we end up getting drawn in no matter what!
ReplyDeleteFears of rejection, abandonment - these are things that everyone feels, but none more than those with BPD. It always hurts, if you know someone has walked away from you because they couldn't cope with you. But if they couldn't cope with the real you, were they truly your friends in the first place? Take courage from those that stay, as they will be the ones that will be there for the long haul.
Change can be good, some pain can be healing if it causes us to face up to things and question why things are the way they are. Try not to avoid these things as it will only make it hurt more when you do face it otherwise.
As for having written this - well, it is better out than in, as they say! But it is also good for such a beautifully honest post. I think you have let more people in with this one post than you realise. :)
Thank you, Susie. I really appreciate that.
DeleteYes, change is very painful, but the pain is often a necessary part of the healing process - I agree. It doesn't make it any easier, though.
Ultimately, it is true that a real friend loves the real you. There are always multiple factors in everyone's life, of course - but there are certain points, junctions, at which people can move towards or away from you, and if they choose to distance themselves, there is no point in trying to force them to care.
I still believe in emotional honesty, but I know that not everyone can handle that. But if they really can't handle that - or me - then I need to have the confidence to know that they are missing out, as well as me.
When you try to shut the world out but this is against your nature, it never really works. As a temporary measure, it is sometimes positive and necessary, but I agree with you - that we end up being drawn in, anyway!