Attachment

I don't feel that this is going to be a full-length blog post, but it needs to be a blog post, rather than a Facebook status update, or a Tweet. It's just a question, really:

Is it possible to genuinely care about people without becoming "attached"? I realise that health and social care professionals have boundaries and conflicts, but I'm not talking about professional caring. I just sometimes feel that I need to distance myself from everyone I know or meet, but then there is a conflict because I naturally care about people, and I can't switch off my feelings. And I'm not sure that I want to - but I can't handle being hurt and misunderstood, and I have such overwhelming fears of rejection and abandonment. Ironically, such fears seem to come true all the more, as I start to worry more about them, and gradually become obsessed by them. All I want is to be able to genuinely help and support the people for whom I care. If I am not really doing that, what is the point?

I just wish that Stacey was here. I miss her so much. And I wish that I had talked to her more about what she meant about not letting people "get too close", in case they "got inside her mind".

I have actually written slightly more than I had originally anticipated - so I obviously made the right decision, in opting to make this into a blog post. That said, whether I should be saying this at all - well, that is another issue - but I can't seem to hold back, even though I know that I will later panic about having posted this on my blog...

Behind the words

I have been reading some of my early poems - currently looking through my poetry collection, "Paula Tree" (published in 2003). And I am deciding which ones to share again, and which to hold back. With many poems, I know immediately that I want to share them, or that I don't. But the case is not always so clear.

The following poem is hard-hitting, especially the ending: "...She patienty awaits his death,/and psychotherapy". It isn't exactly light verse!

The poem has personal meaning for me. I suppose that I have been in a few "not so great" relationships myself, but it wasn't about me. It was in part about a situation involving a friend of mine, an old school friend, with whom I have since lost touch. That was the initial motivation to write the poem anyway, but I feel that probably I was expressing my feelings more generally about women who are caught up in abusive relationships - although there is no reason why it would not be equally applicable to men who are in abusive relationships. I remember having a conversation with my friend, on her decision to go back to her fiance (later, husband), after he had hit her. She told me that her eldest sister was also regularly being hit by her long-term partner, and that this sister had said that she hit her boyfriend back sometimes. She advised my friend that she could do the same. Very nice in theory, but the strength of a man, as opposed to that of a woman - not to mention the fact that this friend had a serious physical disability...Sorry, but that just wasn't, and isn't, good enough for me! Why fight violence with more violence, anyway? That's just wrong, and bad advice!

I don't normally discuss why I wrote particular poems, or what I meant by them, as I feel that, in general, poems should "speak for themselves". Also, the reader will always have his or her own interpretation, and I tend to prefer to allow such interpretations to develop naturally. I just felt that, on this occasion, I needed to say something, by way on explanation, about the meaning, and intentions, behind my words.

One more thought. I have always remembered Madonna saying that the song "Till Death Us Do Part" (from her "Like a Prayer" album) was mostly autobiographical - about her marriage to Sean Penn - but that the song wasn't entirely about her, as she was writing about someone who felt permanently trapped in a violent marriage. And ultimately, she didn't feel that way, and had had the strength to leave. I always feel that people are confused by the fact that, as a creative writer, you might want to write about a situation that is almost the same as the one that you are in, or have been in, but with a twist. I am talking about imagining that one key factor, or several, were different. I did this a lot in my early poetry, and it often led to my work, and ultimately myself, being fundamentally misunderstood. My earlier blog post ("Poetry: fact or fiction?") deals with some of these issues, but only really scratches the surface of what I was trying to express.

The poem:

Black and Blue and Purple

He beat her until black and blue and

purple, so she left him, and then

faithfully scurried

back for more. She can hit back

if she likes, she argues. Well, she

can, but he just laughs aloud. I

watch her retreating

gratefully, respectfully, into his

luke-warm embrace, her shelter from

oblivion or

liberation, or

proper happiness. She patiently awaits his death,

and psychotherapy.